The truth is people, I am not different. I do not stand out. I lost that edge that kept me a nice guy, a stable guy, a truthful and honest guy some time in late May. Just like any other typical asshole, I let my other head run my life. Most guys will not admit it, but it really screws things up with good people. Lets get personal people, because my heart is aching so bad, I have to let it out. How do you convince someone you care when your actions speak otherwise? How do you let someone know you are sorry for the emotional tie you created just to severe it before the bond is finally in place? You don't. You look back, realize you made a mistake, and try to handle it. Blame it on yourself. I know I do. Blame it on me because I am the one at fault. I am always the one at fault. I will always be the one at fault.
At this point, I am going to yell it out. If you read this baby, confront me later because I don't have the audacity to bring it to your attention. I was 23 years old in late May...when it finally happened. It didn't happen like I wanted to in my head. I was tired of letting something as stupid (yet somehow amazing) as sex hold me back in my life. It was really the one reason why I failed at finding a relationship and trying to be a normal man. I was a virgin. Through and through, I had absolutely no clue what it was about. In my head, every relationship, in one way or another, deals with sex and being so completely new, I lost the courage when it came to that breaking point. I had no self confidence. I had no raging testosterone to grab the girl and throw her on the bed. Because deep in the back of my mind, how was I suppose to know I am going to be good at it? Failure and rejection has come so easily in my life, it was one thing I couldn't let happen. To get in bed with a beautiful girl just so she can laugh at me, tell me I suck, and jump in bed with her Ex on the other side of town. No way! No way in hell was I going to be another let down.
I'm really sorry if you read this. I should have told you. I should not of lied to you. What I planned to be a one time thing to figure out what it was about, turned into a relationship that technically was not a relationship. You are more experienced in ways that I cannot imagine. You are more knowledgeable with relationships, love, and sex that portrays the complete opposite of me. I have a deep guttural feeling that you are going to read this and be upset. Its understandable. How can you believe anything else that comes out of this bullshitter's mouth when I have been lying to you from stage one? Like I said, I am just another typical asshole. I am just floating around in hopes of getting my nuts off and eating my cake too.
I am also sorry to the women I have lead on since this has happened. Partly due to me, partly due to my friends, they say I am at a new stage at my life and I need to explore. I even notice these things when I go out to bars. Honestly, it is like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders whose nick names were no self confidence and not being yourself. Shit, the other night two random girls called me over, bought me shots, and wanted my number so they could invite me to this hot tub party. Holy shit!!! Trust me, if you only knew this guy, this was the first time it has ever happened. I didn't go because I was still with my first, and I cared too much to hurt her in such a way. I know what it is like to be cheated on, go behind your back on, and be let down. What you did for me is amazing, and I want to show you I care and love you for that. But as I look down the road, I am just not sure where this is going.
Because of this weight, I did venture out and talk to other girls that was probably not the most appropriate time. Yes, the girl and I are still together, but we did talk and say that we need some time apart, so I can think and understand these feelings going through my body. I fail at this, because I turn around and invite her right back over, because I am lonely. I don't want to use you...but in some way, shape, or form, I am. I am sorry to the girls I've lead on through my talk, and I'm not boasting, but I am rather good with words and manipulation is so easy now a days with texting, IMing, and everything else. I truly cared about you and knew you were an amazing person. But what you wanted from me, I just can't give. I can't give my whole self to you, only you, when I am trying to figure out what exactly I want. Its not fair. Its not right. And for the sake of arguement, it is not me.
I need to go back to my roots. I need to talk to my friends and see where I have changed for the worse. I don't like this at all. I am becoming some hound dog who is sniffing every damn thing that comes my way. I deserve no one at this point until I can decide what I want. Although I have not done anything sexual with anyone else besides the one, I am still looking, leering, and conniving. I need to be alone right now. And I need to tell you this. I'm so scared of being alone...~peace~
Monday, August 10, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
The Days Go On
Once again, I strike away at this keyboard in hopes of relieving the thoughts floating carelessly through my head. I've always been one to keep my feelings inside for the sake of others' feelings. Yeah yeah, it sounds really dumb and like I have no guts. I do, but the way this world is working, there are enough people out there stepping on other toes. I'll do my best to keep my toes tucked in and place my feet carefully. Oh, I'll come out and say something when it truly matters. And when it does, you better hope you are not the focus of my attention. Remember, nice guys are nice, but when a nice guy gets mad, run for the hills!
Choices...damn the choices in this world now are insane. Some people say there are not enough. Some say that there are too many. First off, this is your life and the amount of choices you make are endless. This isn't some game where you get a certain amount of action points. The only power holding you back is yourself, but it just so happens that this certain power is a hell of a problem. There is no argument besides a feeble one that will make me believe that there are too many choices. The only problem I see in this is in grocery stores. I find it damn near impossible to pick a cereal or even a type of toilet paper. But we live in America people, so when you look at the labels, pick the one that is made in the US and spend an extra dollar. Think of it as supporting the jobs that are left in the United States because there are far and few in between for us young bucks. All these people who have been working for 15+ years are taking over the entry level positions due to all the lay offs. Go to school people. GO TO FUCKING SCHOOL. All I hear now a days is pure laziness coming out of people's pie holes. "Oh, school isn't for me. I didn't do well." Yeah well who said it was easy for me? I didn't just sit back, smoke, drink, party, and fuck to get to where I am. I made social sacrifices. Don't go to that party. Don't hang out with your smoking buddies. Go live in the library for over 500 hours a semester then come talk to me. School is work people. How do you think cramming all that useless information is going to land you a job? It makes you focus, work hard, and puts you in a schedule where you are able to wake and go to bed early. Its not so much the information you learn, but how you handle pressure and huge life changing (or in my instance, company changing) situations. Don't be so ignorant as to think you can learn everything by just living. Psh, I hope you people realize that you have more of a chance to win the lottery than becoming rich without an education.
Certain people in this world warm your heart and center your thoughts. Thanks. I appreciate the support and welcoming words. Needless to say you almost brought me to tears just reading a response. Yeah yeah, I'm a sensitive guy. I hear its a good thing now a days. But what I don't understand, is why I don't surround myself with people like you. Maybe its because I know you have a straight head and don't need my help to make something of yourself. Maybe it is because I look at what I do and am somewhat ashamed that I cannot be as genuine as yourself. Either way, I'm proud to have you in my thoughts and my facebook. ~peace~
Choices...damn the choices in this world now are insane. Some people say there are not enough. Some say that there are too many. First off, this is your life and the amount of choices you make are endless. This isn't some game where you get a certain amount of action points. The only power holding you back is yourself, but it just so happens that this certain power is a hell of a problem. There is no argument besides a feeble one that will make me believe that there are too many choices. The only problem I see in this is in grocery stores. I find it damn near impossible to pick a cereal or even a type of toilet paper. But we live in America people, so when you look at the labels, pick the one that is made in the US and spend an extra dollar. Think of it as supporting the jobs that are left in the United States because there are far and few in between for us young bucks. All these people who have been working for 15+ years are taking over the entry level positions due to all the lay offs. Go to school people. GO TO FUCKING SCHOOL. All I hear now a days is pure laziness coming out of people's pie holes. "Oh, school isn't for me. I didn't do well." Yeah well who said it was easy for me? I didn't just sit back, smoke, drink, party, and fuck to get to where I am. I made social sacrifices. Don't go to that party. Don't hang out with your smoking buddies. Go live in the library for over 500 hours a semester then come talk to me. School is work people. How do you think cramming all that useless information is going to land you a job? It makes you focus, work hard, and puts you in a schedule where you are able to wake and go to bed early. Its not so much the information you learn, but how you handle pressure and huge life changing (or in my instance, company changing) situations. Don't be so ignorant as to think you can learn everything by just living. Psh, I hope you people realize that you have more of a chance to win the lottery than becoming rich without an education.
Certain people in this world warm your heart and center your thoughts. Thanks. I appreciate the support and welcoming words. Needless to say you almost brought me to tears just reading a response. Yeah yeah, I'm a sensitive guy. I hear its a good thing now a days. But what I don't understand, is why I don't surround myself with people like you. Maybe its because I know you have a straight head and don't need my help to make something of yourself. Maybe it is because I look at what I do and am somewhat ashamed that I cannot be as genuine as yourself. Either way, I'm proud to have you in my thoughts and my facebook. ~peace~
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
The Stress
Over the past week, I've been rolling my neck, massaging it, and doing everything possible to keep it from aching. Standing up too fast also causes a nasty head rush that I will assume is like a mini migraine. Right around the middle of the afternoon, I feel like a lethargic wave crashed into my body. Am I getting sick and should see a doctor? Is it possibly stress from everything going on? Do you think I'm too young for this? Damn...
When I sit back and look at whats happening, I do realize I put too much pressure on myself. Its the perfectionist (thanks Mom for passing it on) in me trying to come out. Anyone that knows me will laugh because I do not have the perfectionist way of life. I keep a dirty room full of laundry, my house is never fully clean, my backyard gets way out of whack before I trim it, and my car looks like it got ransacked by the sponsors of every fast food restaurant within a 20 minute radius of my house. But what I do strive to do is succeed and be better than who I was the previous month. I also harp on my friends and family to better their lives and pursue an education or a skill. Damn...when I look around at my friends that come over consistently, not many of them are even at my level or trying to reach it. Its like they are happy or content having a low end job and chilling. I wish I could have this sense. I actually have this sense but I permanently rid it from my lifestyle. Perhaps the reason why I stress so much is that I do not have anyone who strives like I do. I strive to provide a house, have all the necessary and convenient utilities, and have plenty of activities to do. Why is it...that I am the only one? Why can't my friends provide some of this stuff? Is it because I am the only one with a full time job? Possibly, but back when I was making only $17,000 a year I was still doing all of this. I think...I think I am just a really good host who doesn't mind the dozen of leeches suckling at the benefit giver.
Because I am doing what is good, because I am doing what seems right, is that why people think I am this all knowing guru? Even my family has this high expectation of me that is just bizarre. I'm not kidding when I say I am the only kid who didn't fuck up royally. If I don't make the right decision, everyone freaks out and jumps on my ass about what I should do. But when one of my friends comes and asks about their wrong decision, I simply tell them what I would do and how I would go around it. Does it seem like to me I am the only stable person with any structure? Yes. Does it seem wrong to surround myself with people who do not see my mindset? No. Should I surround myself with more people with some initiative? Yes!! Don't get me wrong, I do have people who want to better themselves and are well on their way. I applaud excitedly for my friends pursuing an education and finding out exactly what they want to do in life. But these others...these others who eat my food, use my house, stay up all night watching tv or surfing the web...what about them? Its hard to decipher between who is a friend and who is a leech. A friend will help me out with things even if I tell them not to. A friend will support me when I'm down, and not tell me immediately that I am not fun when I am not smiling or in a good mood. A friend...will tell me what to do because I'm tired of following my own advice.
I hate using this blog to explode my emotional rage but if you can't tell, where else can I go? I realize I am the best listener out there, I don't chime in like "Oh I know how you feel" because you fucking don't. I'll say "I can only imagine" or "I wish I could relate" because honestly, that makes someone feel better knowing they are in a unique situation. Then when they ask for your opinion, go ahead and give it to them. I swear, every time I go to someone they chime in right away with an answer. Its not about providing an answer. Its about putting yourself in their shoes and telling them what you would do. It may not be necessarily the best or right answer, but at least you made the person feel better. Its about smiles, hugs, and love people! And my inventory of those things are getting low. I give give give...yet I hardly receive. ~peace~
When I sit back and look at whats happening, I do realize I put too much pressure on myself. Its the perfectionist (thanks Mom for passing it on) in me trying to come out. Anyone that knows me will laugh because I do not have the perfectionist way of life. I keep a dirty room full of laundry, my house is never fully clean, my backyard gets way out of whack before I trim it, and my car looks like it got ransacked by the sponsors of every fast food restaurant within a 20 minute radius of my house. But what I do strive to do is succeed and be better than who I was the previous month. I also harp on my friends and family to better their lives and pursue an education or a skill. Damn...when I look around at my friends that come over consistently, not many of them are even at my level or trying to reach it. Its like they are happy or content having a low end job and chilling. I wish I could have this sense. I actually have this sense but I permanently rid it from my lifestyle. Perhaps the reason why I stress so much is that I do not have anyone who strives like I do. I strive to provide a house, have all the necessary and convenient utilities, and have plenty of activities to do. Why is it...that I am the only one? Why can't my friends provide some of this stuff? Is it because I am the only one with a full time job? Possibly, but back when I was making only $17,000 a year I was still doing all of this. I think...I think I am just a really good host who doesn't mind the dozen of leeches suckling at the benefit giver.
Because I am doing what is good, because I am doing what seems right, is that why people think I am this all knowing guru? Even my family has this high expectation of me that is just bizarre. I'm not kidding when I say I am the only kid who didn't fuck up royally. If I don't make the right decision, everyone freaks out and jumps on my ass about what I should do. But when one of my friends comes and asks about their wrong decision, I simply tell them what I would do and how I would go around it. Does it seem like to me I am the only stable person with any structure? Yes. Does it seem wrong to surround myself with people who do not see my mindset? No. Should I surround myself with more people with some initiative? Yes!! Don't get me wrong, I do have people who want to better themselves and are well on their way. I applaud excitedly for my friends pursuing an education and finding out exactly what they want to do in life. But these others...these others who eat my food, use my house, stay up all night watching tv or surfing the web...what about them? Its hard to decipher between who is a friend and who is a leech. A friend will help me out with things even if I tell them not to. A friend will support me when I'm down, and not tell me immediately that I am not fun when I am not smiling or in a good mood. A friend...will tell me what to do because I'm tired of following my own advice.
I hate using this blog to explode my emotional rage but if you can't tell, where else can I go? I realize I am the best listener out there, I don't chime in like "Oh I know how you feel" because you fucking don't. I'll say "I can only imagine" or "I wish I could relate" because honestly, that makes someone feel better knowing they are in a unique situation. Then when they ask for your opinion, go ahead and give it to them. I swear, every time I go to someone they chime in right away with an answer. Its not about providing an answer. Its about putting yourself in their shoes and telling them what you would do. It may not be necessarily the best or right answer, but at least you made the person feel better. Its about smiles, hugs, and love people! And my inventory of those things are getting low. I give give give...yet I hardly receive. ~peace~
Friday, June 26, 2009
Pathway of Friends
From the first day I moved into Columbia, SC to the very present, I realize my group, crew, posse of friends change drastically throughout the years. As I dwell on it, I have this pattern of switching it up friends every four years. It makes sense since I went through 3 years of middle school, 4 years of high school, and 4 years of college. My circle is either becoming very large or I keep replacing it.
Time is a changing. Oh yes indeed my friends. But it is not our right to hold someone back if it is in their best interest. Honestly, moving away from Columbia is a damn good thing especially if this has been your home city for a long period of time. Trust me, I do love Columbia because of the people I have around me, have met, and just in general the person I am today. I have seen many of my friends move away, and like the no news is good news person I am, I hardly keep in touch. It pains me a good bit because I'll sit and wonder if they still think about me like I think about them. In a given day, most of my thoughts is about what other people are doing and if they are happy. I have accepted the fact that my happiness is from the happiness of others. One of my favorite sayings is, "I want you to be happy, with or without me." Keep that smile on, boo. Keep your chin up. Keep that positive flow. Don't let this world get you down without a hell of a fight. Laughter keeps you alive longer. Smiling uses less muscles. If being healthy was easy, everyone would be models. Just try to realize that the people who matter will always retain some sort of relationship in your life. Other ones will fade and leave a footprint behind to let you remember those times you shared. Its important to grow with one another and not stop the maturing process. Hey, we're all going to be our parents one day, maybe not in the same mentality, maybe not with the same heart, but our maturity will equal. ~peace~
Time is a changing. Oh yes indeed my friends. But it is not our right to hold someone back if it is in their best interest. Honestly, moving away from Columbia is a damn good thing especially if this has been your home city for a long period of time. Trust me, I do love Columbia because of the people I have around me, have met, and just in general the person I am today. I have seen many of my friends move away, and like the no news is good news person I am, I hardly keep in touch. It pains me a good bit because I'll sit and wonder if they still think about me like I think about them. In a given day, most of my thoughts is about what other people are doing and if they are happy. I have accepted the fact that my happiness is from the happiness of others. One of my favorite sayings is, "I want you to be happy, with or without me." Keep that smile on, boo. Keep your chin up. Keep that positive flow. Don't let this world get you down without a hell of a fight. Laughter keeps you alive longer. Smiling uses less muscles. If being healthy was easy, everyone would be models. Just try to realize that the people who matter will always retain some sort of relationship in your life. Other ones will fade and leave a footprint behind to let you remember those times you shared. Its important to grow with one another and not stop the maturing process. Hey, we're all going to be our parents one day, maybe not in the same mentality, maybe not with the same heart, but our maturity will equal. ~peace~
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Time
One thing I do not like about being busy is that time just flies by. I know I am missing out at this speed I am living my life. It is no wonder my favorite pass time is to sit on a couch, stare at a black TV, and smoke until time creeps by. It is in this moments, if I am alone, that I can be aware of my surroundings and accept the fact that I chose this speedy path. Its really hard sometimes, trying to please everybody, especially when you want time to yourself. My household is not just my roommate and I. Its everybody I know. And I sincerely love it. You don't need an invitation or a go ahead with me. Just stop by. But do realize, friends, that if I made plans with someone else, you cannot be upset or angry at the decisions I make. Yes, please, stop by and say hi. No, please, get mad when I choose to leave you to do something else.
A handful of people I talk to ask me how I do it all the time. These are the people that do not come over or do I hang out with all the time. But they still wonder, don't you get tired and annoyed with all the traffic coming in and out of your house? Of course not! I love company and I happen to be a very social person. So social that I do not even have to make calls to have a party on Friday night. Then they ask that one question that stops me in my tracks, what time do you have for yourself? Don't say that the time you spend with your friends or girl is time to yourself. I really do not know. I don't have time for myself. I hardly have time to sleep it seems like. But I counter this response with the word vacation. I'll bring other people along with me, but when you see me sitting on the beach, gazing ahead at the big blue watery road in front of me, with a bud light lime in my hand, please, do not disturb. Its one of the most stimulating events I can ever think of possibly doing. That aura, that wave of relaxation, the sun making you sweat out every bad toxin, is just an escape from this every day kung fu hustle. Many of my friends do not understand the concept of becoming independent. They still heavily rely on others to get this accomplished, planned, and paid for. Sure, I work for my pops, but I'll be damned if you accuse me of having a pie job. I work my ass off, this company cannot, will not, and could not run without me in this office every day. To those that think I have it made, I salute you with the one gesture everyone in this world knows...the glorious middle finger. ~peace~
A handful of people I talk to ask me how I do it all the time. These are the people that do not come over or do I hang out with all the time. But they still wonder, don't you get tired and annoyed with all the traffic coming in and out of your house? Of course not! I love company and I happen to be a very social person. So social that I do not even have to make calls to have a party on Friday night. Then they ask that one question that stops me in my tracks, what time do you have for yourself? Don't say that the time you spend with your friends or girl is time to yourself. I really do not know. I don't have time for myself. I hardly have time to sleep it seems like. But I counter this response with the word vacation. I'll bring other people along with me, but when you see me sitting on the beach, gazing ahead at the big blue watery road in front of me, with a bud light lime in my hand, please, do not disturb. Its one of the most stimulating events I can ever think of possibly doing. That aura, that wave of relaxation, the sun making you sweat out every bad toxin, is just an escape from this every day kung fu hustle. Many of my friends do not understand the concept of becoming independent. They still heavily rely on others to get this accomplished, planned, and paid for. Sure, I work for my pops, but I'll be damned if you accuse me of having a pie job. I work my ass off, this company cannot, will not, and could not run without me in this office every day. To those that think I have it made, I salute you with the one gesture everyone in this world knows...the glorious middle finger. ~peace~
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
The Summer Days
They always say that Summer Days are short yet sweet. But as I enjoy my quick Summer Days, its my Summer Nights that really matter to me. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy my days but unfortunately, working a 8:00AM to 6:00PM job limits what beautiful daylight I can muster.
Surrounded by friends, the soft glow of the tv, and the comfort of another person fills the empty voids I create in my soul. For when stress and worry create these holes, the search to find the answer to the blackness takes place. The journey to keep ones head above the water is a treacherous yet exciting ride whose only determining factors are the ones you make up. Are you lonely? Are you scared? Are you stressed? Never underestimate the power of negativity in the presence of happiness. You can multiply all the positives in the world but when you multiply that one negative, the whole integer is negative. Tread lightly, friends, and be aware. Please be aware. Not only of your surroundings but of the words and thoughts that float across our wondrous minds. What could be a compliment to you is a direct insult to another. Be free and joyous while this life tries to steer you down a road of self-hatred. Understand that everything and everyone will try to pull you down, and just like in golf, your approach to the one single answer depends on how you swing at it. Breathe deep. Look her in the eyes. Be honest. If you can keep your composure, then these factors will have no way to create a maze out of a straight answer. Smile. Grin. Smirk. Anything to keep that pretty face lit-up will allow you to spread the trend of happiness. So often are people susceptible to the downward spiral of grief and loneliness when they know the answer. Talk it out, don't walk it out. That heavy burden resting on your sore shoulders will lift with the help of another. This world is too big out there to accomplish anything honorable and worthwhile alone. Accept the fact people want to be around you. Accept the notion you want to be around them. Embrace comradeship and let your guard down. Know someone is out there for you. Smile. ~peace~
Surrounded by friends, the soft glow of the tv, and the comfort of another person fills the empty voids I create in my soul. For when stress and worry create these holes, the search to find the answer to the blackness takes place. The journey to keep ones head above the water is a treacherous yet exciting ride whose only determining factors are the ones you make up. Are you lonely? Are you scared? Are you stressed? Never underestimate the power of negativity in the presence of happiness. You can multiply all the positives in the world but when you multiply that one negative, the whole integer is negative. Tread lightly, friends, and be aware. Please be aware. Not only of your surroundings but of the words and thoughts that float across our wondrous minds. What could be a compliment to you is a direct insult to another. Be free and joyous while this life tries to steer you down a road of self-hatred. Understand that everything and everyone will try to pull you down, and just like in golf, your approach to the one single answer depends on how you swing at it. Breathe deep. Look her in the eyes. Be honest. If you can keep your composure, then these factors will have no way to create a maze out of a straight answer. Smile. Grin. Smirk. Anything to keep that pretty face lit-up will allow you to spread the trend of happiness. So often are people susceptible to the downward spiral of grief and loneliness when they know the answer. Talk it out, don't walk it out. That heavy burden resting on your sore shoulders will lift with the help of another. This world is too big out there to accomplish anything honorable and worthwhile alone. Accept the fact people want to be around you. Accept the notion you want to be around them. Embrace comradeship and let your guard down. Know someone is out there for you. Smile. ~peace~
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
The home
Damn it feels so nice to be home. This place was not a home a few months ago, where 10 people would be at my house when I walk in, no where to sit, and the house a complete landfill. I'm serious, they had cans, food, drugs, clothes, clutter, and whatever else you can name scattered in every crevice this house had to offer. Hell, they even took over the extra room and I was nice enough to not charge rent. Either way, now this place is home. So now I wonder, what exactly makes a home a home?
Is it the people? I don't think thats necessarily it. I know many homes where people come home to an empty house. Although I do believe a home is necessary for a family. It must be a great feeling to come home from work knowing a loving family is waiting for your return. It must be a horrible feeling to come home from work having people you do not want over.
Perhaps it is the decoration and feng shui? I do believe this is a major part of a home. Coming home to a place you decorated, knowing that whatever is in or on the wall, is something you contributed to make its beauty shine. A home is just like a person. There are not two homes exactly the same. I lack in this department, especially in my room. One of these days I'll get a injection of this feng shui and go crazy. I think I do alright though. Especially for a bachelor in his early twenties.
Maybe the location plays in part of this home? Hrm, this one is a give and take situation. Someone may be happier if their home was closer to work. Perhaps they would be happier if their home was closer to downtown or friends. When people say they have two homes, I usually come out and say bullshit. You got your home. Then your lakeHOUSE. Possibly a mountainHOUSE or a beachHOUSE. You can't split your home into more than one place. That singularity of a home is something special. You can't go morman style and hook up with a bunch of homes. C'mon now.
All and all, the word home is something very special. It shouldn't be tossed around like a town bicycle. Keep it simple, keep it real. There is no need to clutter a house but at the same time, you need to put a little of you into it. Having your own room is almost like having a house. Make it you. ~peace~
Is it the people? I don't think thats necessarily it. I know many homes where people come home to an empty house. Although I do believe a home is necessary for a family. It must be a great feeling to come home from work knowing a loving family is waiting for your return. It must be a horrible feeling to come home from work having people you do not want over.
Perhaps it is the decoration and feng shui? I do believe this is a major part of a home. Coming home to a place you decorated, knowing that whatever is in or on the wall, is something you contributed to make its beauty shine. A home is just like a person. There are not two homes exactly the same. I lack in this department, especially in my room. One of these days I'll get a injection of this feng shui and go crazy. I think I do alright though. Especially for a bachelor in his early twenties.
Maybe the location plays in part of this home? Hrm, this one is a give and take situation. Someone may be happier if their home was closer to work. Perhaps they would be happier if their home was closer to downtown or friends. When people say they have two homes, I usually come out and say bullshit. You got your home. Then your lakeHOUSE. Possibly a mountainHOUSE or a beachHOUSE. You can't split your home into more than one place. That singularity of a home is something special. You can't go morman style and hook up with a bunch of homes. C'mon now.
All and all, the word home is something very special. It shouldn't be tossed around like a town bicycle. Keep it simple, keep it real. There is no need to clutter a house but at the same time, you need to put a little of you into it. Having your own room is almost like having a house. Make it you. ~peace~
Monday, June 1, 2009
Mature or not mature
As I sit in my desk, taking a 15 minute break from thoroughly searching through a general ledger for problems, I realize I must be maturing. It sort of scares me honestly because I refuse to be one of those old timers that does not know a good time even if it slaps them in the face. I wonder if this job is going to turn me into a workaholic, grinding for that money, just so I can save this company a few thousand dollars a year. I refuse to be that too. As I look around my group of friends, older or younger, I sometimes wonder if I jumped into this position too early. There is so much out there that my mind wants to know and becoming trapped in a position where a company cannot run without me is simply scary. What if an opportunity arises to get away from Columbia for a few months? No longer can I jump in head first, mind wide open, ready to see what Earth has to offer. However, sadly enough, you simply cannot have the best time of your life traveling without some cash. I'll be the first to say I hate money. I spend it on everybody and rarely for myself. So I get off when I see other people benefit from my labor. Heh, hate it or leave it. Being mature in actions is one thing, but to become mature through mind and soul is something else. I want my soul to keep its child behavior. I want to enjoy Spongebob and the Madgascar Penguins even if I'm 60. For now, I'll just say that I'm a different person here in this office. I am Mr. Perez, Office Manager, ruler of the money and employees. RAWR! But once I step foot in my home, prepare for a goofy grin, a little jig, and inquiring about where the Bud Light Lime is at. ~peace~
What up?!
Not going to post much on my first blog since I *think* they require me to put something. But this will be my first little blogger spot. I've read them. I've gone through them. So now I start one. ~peace~
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