The Truth

The truth is people, I am not different. I do not stand out. I lost that edge that kept me a nice guy, a stable guy, a truthful and honest guy some time in late May. Just like any other typical asshole, I let my other head run my life. Most guys will not admit it, but it really screws things up with good people. Lets get personal people, because my heart is aching so bad, I have to let it out. How do you convince someone you care when your actions speak otherwise? How do you let someone know you are sorry for the emotional tie you created just to severe it before the bond is finally in place? You don't. You look back, realize you made a mistake, and try to handle it. Blame it on yourself. I know I do. Blame it on me because I am the one at fault. I am always the one at fault. I will always be the one at fault.

At this point, I am going to yell it out. If you read this baby, confront me later because I don't have the audacity to bring it to your attention. I was 23 years old in late May...when it finally happened. It didn't happen like I wanted to in my head. I was tired of letting something as stupid (yet somehow amazing) as sex hold me back in my life. It was really the one reason why I failed at finding a relationship and trying to be a normal man. I was a virgin. Through and through, I had absolutely no clue what it was about. In my head, every relationship, in one way or another, deals with sex and being so completely new, I lost the courage when it came to that breaking point. I had no self confidence. I had no raging testosterone to grab the girl and throw her on the bed. Because deep in the back of my mind, how was I suppose to know I am going to be good at it? Failure and rejection has come so easily in my life, it was one thing I couldn't let happen. To get in bed with a beautiful girl just so she can laugh at me, tell me I suck, and jump in bed with her Ex on the other side of town. No way! No way in hell was I going to be another let down.

I'm really sorry if you read this. I should have told you. I should not of lied to you. What I planned to be a one time thing to figure out what it was about, turned into a relationship that technically was not a relationship. You are more experienced in ways that I cannot imagine. You are more knowledgeable with relationships, love, and sex that portrays the complete opposite of me. I have a deep guttural feeling that you are going to read this and be upset. Its understandable. How can you believe anything else that comes out of this bullshitter's mouth when I have been lying to you from stage one? Like I said, I am just another typical asshole. I am just floating around in hopes of getting my nuts off and eating my cake too.

I am also sorry to the women I have lead on since this has happened. Partly due to me, partly due to my friends, they say I am at a new stage at my life and I need to explore. I even notice these things when I go out to bars. Honestly, it is like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders whose nick names were no self confidence and not being yourself. Shit, the other night two random girls called me over, bought me shots, and wanted my number so they could invite me to this hot tub party. Holy shit!!! Trust me, if you only knew this guy, this was the first time it has ever happened. I didn't go because I was still with my first, and I cared too much to hurt her in such a way. I know what it is like to be cheated on, go behind your back on, and be let down. What you did for me is amazing, and I want to show you I care and love you for that. But as I look down the road, I am just not sure where this is going.

Because of this weight, I did venture out and talk to other girls that was probably not the most appropriate time. Yes, the girl and I are still together, but we did talk and say that we need some time apart, so I can think and understand these feelings going through my body. I fail at this, because I turn around and invite her right back over, because I am lonely. I don't want to use you...but in some way, shape, or form, I am. I am sorry to the girls I've lead on through my talk, and I'm not boasting, but I am rather good with words and manipulation is so easy now a days with texting, IMing, and everything else. I truly cared about you and knew you were an amazing person. But what you wanted from me, I just can't give. I can't give my whole self to you, only you, when I am trying to figure out what exactly I want. Its not fair. Its not right. And for the sake of arguement, it is not me.

I need to go back to my roots. I need to talk to my friends and see where I have changed for the worse. I don't like this at all. I am becoming some hound dog who is sniffing every damn thing that comes my way. I deserve no one at this point until I can decide what I want. Although I have not done anything sexual with anyone else besides the one, I am still looking, leering, and conniving. I need to be alone right now. And I need to tell you this. I'm so scared of being alone...~peace~