Love. A lot of people have different meanings to this word. Some use it loosely while others hold onto it dearly. I, for one, hold onto it very closely. It is a word that should be special, warming, and most of all, truthful. Nothing irritates me more than saying "I love you." to everyone you know. From a man who holds it dearly and says it only when truly meant, it is almost like you are whoring your heart out. Enough of this soap box. This is what I want to say. When I love someone, I take care of them in every way, shape, and form. I feel my soul dancing with the other person, making sure that my dance matches to every move they make. Money? Oh, that is of no option. I will gladly empty my bank accounts to get the one I love to a better place. Communication? I want to talk about everything under the sun. I'd rather stay away from your past sexual experiences with past partners but if it is truly what you want to talk about, then lay it on me. Physically? I like to say I get the job done plus some. I am a nurturer. I like to give. This holds true for even between the sheets. So what is the problem here?
As stated previously, I do not give my heart away often. Well, it finally happened. It was indeed the best times of my life. It was indeed the worst times of my life. I suppose this goes with every relationship that doesn't work out, but I tried so hard. I tried soooo hard to show her the way and let her grow. I tried in ways that simply isn't me, just so I can see her be better. After 5-6 weeks of her bantering, laziness, being taken for granted, no job, no car, and even with my support, my heart finally caved in. Why should I love someone who doesn't love them self or love me in the same way? Break down town here I come...
So I try to move on. I decided to be done with it for good. Removed her from facebook, removed all the pictures I have, removed every piece of her that she left in my life. My heart is bleeding again...why? If I feel like I want to move on, why can I not just move on? Why am I in this in between state vacillating between what if and why not? My body trembles from the force my heart creates. I understand that it is a process, especially since it was my first true relationship and my first true love. True love...fuck that word. There is no such thing as true love but there is equal love. Wow, that sounds so much better. I want an equal love.
Logically, I do everything I can to distance myself to make things easier. I find distractions in all the wrong places, from drugs to other women. And I will say this only once, I am not a man whore and I do not sleep around. I have too much dignity and morals to sleep with someone who I have just met. As I distract myself, I watch her intently. Not so much stalking but just waiting for her to call or text me. I realize that I was pushing her away. I was denying her another chance to be with the man she still loves. Which breaks my heart all over again. How can I possibly deny a woman's love? I never thought in a million years I would be stuck on that question. I would always accept her love...but I doubt that my love would ever accept her.
Pictures, parties, and good times roll through everyone's life. It shouldn't matter what she does. It shouldn't matter how she does it. Her friend posts pictures of her. My eyes well up and tears start to fall gently on my spreadsheet at work. I see her glow, her smile, her beautiful body in a pink dress, and my heart drops immediately. More tears flow as I see her against other men. Confusion hits me suddenly...what exactly am I jealous of? She was the most beautiful creature that these eyes and arms ever had the chance to hold. Is that this feeling? My heart never felt more complete with this woman and seeing her have a good time means she is moving on...is that what this is? How can I be perfectly fine one moment about my decision to move on and suddenly regret it immensely? This battle between my heart and head needs to stop soon. I am not sure how much of this torture I can take...
So I sit. Staring at a computer screen. Realized that I didn't do a damn thing all day long. Is this depression? Denial? Or 5 weeks of drinking and forgetting coming back to haunt me? I need a change. So I joined a gym today with a personal trainer. One of my goals is to become fit, toned, and be able to look at myself and nod with appreciation. I hope I can do this...I hope that this will distract me from the matters at hand. Help guide me please. At the end of the day, my head still sits in wonder telling me that it doesn't know. It is beaten down badly. I cannot think straight anymore. My sense of well-being is almost at its end. Someone...take my hand. Please. Anybody?
