Lately, I have been on a thin ice when it comes to a situation and how I should react. Instead of being the calm, steady me, I have been blowing situations out of proportions. I get angry or frustrated very easily. Tears flow without even a warning. Its like I am going down a path and the wall of whatever emotion hits me. I don't know what is going on through my head anymore. Numbing it is not the answer, and I gave that up a few weeks ago. Alcohol is a great way to forget...but the memories and emotions are just blanketed away until you wake the next morning. I've been doing nothing but getting myself into positive situations. Yet here I stand...still feeling like I am surrounded by grey.
I work out daily now. I have been dieting. I have been concentrating hard at work and trying not to slack off. I am not getting involved with another woman until I can find myself. Isn't this the right path? Shouldn't I be proud of what I am doing and walk around with a smile? Why is it that I feel more beaten and shameful? Gah, like I said, I have no clue what ideas are running through my head. I want to run back to how my life was a few months ago. I want a purpose...I want someone who wants to put their all into me, just like I will put my all into her. Yes, I do seem very complicated, but in all reality, I really am a simple man.
I don't need alot of money. I don't need a big house, fancy car, and luxurious belongings. When I lean back in this chair with my hands behind my head, and stare at the colorless wall...I smile. I am living this life to find the one woman who will love me for everything I am. Someone who will not take me for granted and will love me like I love her. I want to come home and lay my head in her lap so I can gaze into her beautiful eyes. I would immediately doze if she would sing. When we go out, I will protect her from any harm that might come her way...but if she were to raise an arm so she can handle it, I would stand behind her the whole time. When she walks into the room, I want to smile and nudge my friends so I can say, "Hey, thats her." I want her aura to brighten my day. My love will flourish and I will feel whole again. My body gets a buzz just thinking about it...but I cannot force this. I now understand that this sort of love happens naturally, without a warning or sign. I will try to find my own personal happiness until then...
Its funny though. Every girl, lady, or woman I meet takes a liking to me. They say that they see a good in me thats just not around now a days. My intentions are always pure and good, and I will stand up for myself. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone. But its like the more I am around someone, the more they expect out of me. They expect me to be around them. They expect me to make the right decisions. They expect me to not be bad. This is a lot of pressure and when and if I screw up, everyone looks at me like they expected better. What the hell am I? Perfect? I am far from being perfect. It is the imperfections that make someone great. Makes them stand out. Makes them unique. Why is my thoughts tumbling downwards...
The main problem, I think, is that I do need to realize I can't fix everything around me. This world has so many problems and I see young, beautiful people in a horrible situation. All I want to do is make them happy, show them that there is a way to success, and motivate them to want more out of life. Don't settle. Don't do yourself short. You are amazing. I want to show them love and care. But once I do this and step back, I realize...I need the same encouragement. Where is my support? Where is my helping hand? So I grasp around wildly as I fall into my own hole...yet you would never know the suffering by looking at my face. I smile at you. I wink. I move on.
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