Deuces

Days go by where you wonder why you even try. Everyone tells you "Oh soon your world will turn around." Well it did last year for a while and it was wonderful. But now I am worse off than ever. I have people telling me I deserve the best...then how come you don't want to give it to me? Am I to good for you? Wait wait...you serious? This 5'7" fat filipino guy is too good for you? Who the fuck are you? Maybe the reason why you think that is because I am the best damn thing for you and you're not ready for it. Obviously though...I am not.

As I walk through the eerily familiar town of Columbia, I realize that I just can't be here anymore. Everyone just uses me. Take advantage of me. Shoot me down when I am already pleading with you on my knees. I honestly want to end all of this pain, misery, and damnation I have swirling into one big ticking time bomb. I want to go ahead and implode so I don't have to feel like I have to care. Even after being treated so poorly...I still drive out for a friend to make sure she is okay. Only to find that she is perfectly fine and just wanted my attention. Yeah, what a horrible move on her part. Especially when she is with a guy already giving her all the attention she needs. What a horrible fucking horror show.

I'm just crying. I am just so upset. I can't find anything around me worthwhile to hold. I'm just a drifter. A loss soul wandering around for his mate. The worst part is that now I am subjected to seeing happy people together. I break down everytime. I had to run to the bathroom just to gather my composure. What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't know another guy who breaks down over commercials, movies, or just day to day living.

"I am right over here. Why can't you see me? I'll keep dancing on my own."

I listen to a good bit of trance/vocal trance. I'm just willing to give someone the best. I did give someone the best. I'm still able to if someone would take that chance.

*sigh* Back to working/crying.

Another Birthday...

Happy birthday to me...yeah right. As I sit in this desk chair getting paid to write in a blog, I wonder what the fuck am I doing with myself? I am doing a job I clearly do not enjoy. I live in a house I clearly do not like. And I live in a city (its been 15 years) that I don't want to be. So why? What is the point of me doing this? I'm about to be 25 years old tomorrow. A quarter of a century old. I have nothing to prove to myself. Yes, I own a house. Yes, I own a Mercedes. Yes, I pay for my health insurance, car insurance, and any other bill on time. Oh, is this the stuff most people consider proving to one's self? Everybody has to do that shit. Maybe you are the fortunate one whose parents pay for everything. Get a life. Grow up.

I look at myself. I see fat. I see unattractiveness. I look around and realize that I surround myself with attractive people. I keep myself as the ugly duckling. Yeah, I've been doing the gym thing and trying to get to that point. Its been going well. But it is my fucking birthday tomorrow and everybody wants to party and celebrate. Celebrate what? My life? People say I make huge differences in their lives. I'm glad I did. I hope that you continue moving forward with your chin up. But realize that I am giving my happiness away. What about Adam? Oh, he is okay, he doesn't need nurture or support. He has everything. I have ABSOLUTELY nothing.

Love is the answer for everything in my heart, mind, and soul. I realize that I just can't look around for love, which is the hardest thing for me to do right now. I can't just wear my heart on my sleeve and expect to find the love I want. I will get taken for granted again. I will get hurt again. Chances are, I will get hurt again before I find the one. What is so hard about just being yourself and not worrying about anything or anyone for once? Why can I not do this? Everyone else I see is doing it just fine. Ugh, I hate being caught up in this emotional bullshit. I can't help it.

Ahhh, I need to be happy. I need to celebrate the positive things in my life. Instead, I focus on all the negatives and it brings me down. Maybe thats another reason why I need someone to support and nurture me. I give away all my good feelings to everyone else who is in need. How come I cannot be in need? Bah, I am talking in circles. My head is going 100mph and my body hates the fact that it will be 25 years old.

I just want to be loved :(

"I'm doing me"

Selfish...its a word that I don't want anyone to ever describe me as. I am selfless. I give away too much. But as the song goes, "What I am doing? Oh yeah, thats right, I'm doing me." strikes me in a strange way. Yes yes, it is a Hip Hop song by Drake, and I do enjoy listening to that genre. But the point of the matter is that I need to do me. I need to focus on myself. I actually...which breaks me down slightly...have to be selfish.

Lately, I have been on a thin ice when it comes to a situation and how I should react. Instead of being the calm, steady me, I have been blowing situations out of proportions. I get angry or frustrated very easily. Tears flow without even a warning. Its like I am going down a path and the wall of whatever emotion hits me. I don't know what is going on through my head anymore. Numbing it is not the answer, and I gave that up a few weeks ago. Alcohol is a great way to forget...but the memories and emotions are just blanketed away until you wake the next morning. I've been doing nothing but getting myself into positive situations. Yet here I stand...still feeling like I am surrounded by grey.

I work out daily now. I have been dieting. I have been concentrating hard at work and trying not to slack off. I am not getting involved with another woman until I can find myself. Isn't this the right path? Shouldn't I be proud of what I am doing and walk around with a smile? Why is it that I feel more beaten and shameful? Gah, like I said, I have no clue what ideas are running through my head. I want to run back to how my life was a few months ago. I want a purpose...I want someone who wants to put their all into me, just like I will put my all into her. Yes, I do seem very complicated, but in all reality, I really am a simple man.

I don't need alot of money. I don't need a big house, fancy car, and luxurious belongings. When I lean back in this chair with my hands behind my head, and stare at the colorless wall...I smile. I am living this life to find the one woman who will love me for everything I am. Someone who will not take me for granted and will love me like I love her. I want to come home and lay my head in her lap so I can gaze into her beautiful eyes. I would immediately doze if she would sing. When we go out, I will protect her from any harm that might come her way...but if she were to raise an arm so she can handle it, I would stand behind her the whole time. When she walks into the room, I want to smile and nudge my friends so I can say, "Hey, thats her." I want her aura to brighten my day. My love will flourish and I will feel whole again. My body gets a buzz just thinking about it...but I cannot force this. I now understand that this sort of love happens naturally, without a warning or sign. I will try to find my own personal happiness until then...

Its funny though. Every girl, lady, or woman I meet takes a liking to me. They say that they see a good in me thats just not around now a days. My intentions are always pure and good, and I will stand up for myself. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone. But its like the more I am around someone, the more they expect out of me. They expect me to be around them. They expect me to make the right decisions. They expect me to not be bad. This is a lot of pressure and when and if I screw up, everyone looks at me like they expected better. What the hell am I? Perfect? I am far from being perfect. It is the imperfections that make someone great. Makes them stand out. Makes them unique. Why is my thoughts tumbling downwards...

The main problem, I think, is that I do need to realize I can't fix everything around me. This world has so many problems and I see young, beautiful people in a horrible situation. All I want to do is make them happy, show them that there is a way to success, and motivate them to want more out of life. Don't settle. Don't do yourself short. You are amazing. I want to show them love and care. But once I do this and step back, I realize...I need the same encouragement. Where is my support? Where is my helping hand? So I grasp around wildly as I fall into my own hole...yet you would never know the suffering by looking at my face. I smile at you. I wink. I move on.

To Start Anew

Never, has it been so hard to let go. There are so many words, feelings, emotions, and actions swirling in my brain that it is quite overwhelming trying to write these jumbles into phrases. I feel like it will be the only way to calm my quivering soul from itself.

Love. A lot of people have different meanings to this word. Some use it loosely while others hold onto it dearly. I, for one, hold onto it very closely. It is a word that should be special, warming, and most of all, truthful. Nothing irritates me more than saying "I love you." to everyone you know. From a man who holds it dearly and says it only when truly meant, it is almost like you are whoring your heart out. Enough of this soap box. This is what I want to say. When I love someone, I take care of them in every way, shape, and form. I feel my soul dancing with the other person, making sure that my dance matches to every move they make. Money? Oh, that is of no option. I will gladly empty my bank accounts to get the one I love to a better place. Communication? I want to talk about everything under the sun. I'd rather stay away from your past sexual experiences with past partners but if it is truly what you want to talk about, then lay it on me. Physically? I like to say I get the job done plus some. I am a nurturer. I like to give. This holds true for even between the sheets. So what is the problem here?

As stated previously, I do not give my heart away often. Well, it finally happened. It was indeed the best times of my life. It was indeed the worst times of my life. I suppose this goes with every relationship that doesn't work out, but I tried so hard. I tried soooo hard to show her the way and let her grow. I tried in ways that simply isn't me, just so I can see her be better. After 5-6 weeks of her bantering, laziness, being taken for granted, no job, no car, and even with my support, my heart finally caved in. Why should I love someone who doesn't love them self or love me in the same way? Break down town here I come...

So I try to move on. I decided to be done with it for good. Removed her from facebook, removed all the pictures I have, removed every piece of her that she left in my life. My heart is bleeding again...why? If I feel like I want to move on, why can I not just move on? Why am I in this in between state vacillating between what if and why not? My body trembles from the force my heart creates. I understand that it is a process, especially since it was my first true relationship and my first true love. True love...fuck that word. There is no such thing as true love but there is equal love. Wow, that sounds so much better. I want an equal love.

Logically, I do everything I can to distance myself to make things easier. I find distractions in all the wrong places, from drugs to other women. And I will say this only once, I am not a man whore and I do not sleep around. I have too much dignity and morals to sleep with someone who I have just met. As I distract myself, I watch her intently. Not so much stalking but just waiting for her to call or text me. I realize that I was pushing her away. I was denying her another chance to be with the man she still loves. Which breaks my heart all over again. How can I possibly deny a woman's love? I never thought in a million years I would be stuck on that question. I would always accept her love...but I doubt that my love would ever accept her.

Pictures, parties, and good times roll through everyone's life. It shouldn't matter what she does. It shouldn't matter how she does it. Her friend posts pictures of her. My eyes well up and tears start to fall gently on my spreadsheet at work. I see her glow, her smile, her beautiful body in a pink dress, and my heart drops immediately. More tears flow as I see her against other men. Confusion hits me suddenly...what exactly am I jealous of? She was the most beautiful creature that these eyes and arms ever had the chance to hold. Is that this feeling? My heart never felt more complete with this woman and seeing her have a good time means she is moving on...is that what this is? How can I be perfectly fine one moment about my decision to move on and suddenly regret it immensely? This battle between my heart and head needs to stop soon. I am not sure how much of this torture I can take...

So I sit. Staring at a computer screen. Realized that I didn't do a damn thing all day long. Is this depression? Denial? Or 5 weeks of drinking and forgetting coming back to haunt me? I need a change. So I joined a gym today with a personal trainer. One of my goals is to become fit, toned, and be able to look at myself and nod with appreciation. I hope I can do this...I hope that this will distract me from the matters at hand. Help guide me please. At the end of the day, my head still sits in wonder telling me that it doesn't know. It is beaten down badly. I cannot think straight anymore. My sense of well-being is almost at its end. Someone...take my hand. Please. Anybody?